The truth is that I don’t really care much about personal best’s or podium finishes (never had one anyway) or even racing for that matter. I don’t care about my weekly mileage, tempo runs or speedwork. At least I don’t care about all of that as much as I probably should. I just want to run. I want to find myself hours away from the comforts of my home, in places that only my two legs could have brought me to. I want to find myself muddied, tired, sore, and hungry. I like to remember what it feels like to be hungry, thinking about things so simple as the next step, or the sound of my own breath. So, I run, and I when i do, whether its visible or not, I am smiling, a giddy child-like grin.
Running in Alaska has been life changing for me these past two summers. While at its core we are just running and climbing and hiking, there is something else that always surfaces. This week took patience. It took me looking after myself, despite what others may think. I fought so hard, on so many climbs to work through very low moments. Moments where I wanted to quit, lay down, & collapse on the side of the trail. Other times I’d beat myself up for not feeling better, or moving faster. As long as I kept moving, and focused on only each next step, these moments would Inevitably pass. At times these low moments would last for a hour, as I’d wrestle with my mind about why I am here. and why I do this to myself. I often thought about what Corle’ had told me about the holding of tension in my hips. That hanging onto fear, or what even what has scared us in the past can manifest itself as tension within the bodies core and hips. I think shes onto something.
However, before long, I would reach the top, and be rewarded with this rush of energy. A wonderful feeling of gratitude, and peace, that makes the hairs on my neck raise up. That moment when you want to laugh and cry at the same time. I think these extreme lows make those highs so clear and at times overwhelming.
“Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry… you will someday.”
Running Lucky 